The Human Condition + PTSD = Too Pooped to Pop
I’ve been pretty tired all my life.
I keep waiting for the day I wake up feeling well rested like when I was a little girl.
Maybe I’ll have to wait ‘til I go to the Other Side, although I hear-tell no one wants to sleep over there. Personally, I’d like to at least have the option. That’s, of course, after I’m welcomed by throngs of loved ones and ancestors and spirit guides and hundreds of friends from previous incarnations. I’m kind of hoping I get a “Hello, Dolly!” reception where there’s a big orchestral production and maybe dance numbers with guys in tuxedos as I come down the stairs looking gorgeous and young again. After that fabulous welcome, and after God explains to me how spiritually evolved I became as a result of having PTSD, I’ll ask where my small but luxurious villa on the ocean is and off I’ll go to sleep for a long, long time.
As it is, most days I only have time and energy to eat, take a shower, and do necessary errands, mindful meditation and Trauma Releasing Exercises. I usually get some form of physical exercise, too. I also kind of keep my eye on my husband, who is thirty years older than me and had heart surgery in December.
I try to write every day, but I’m often so tired by the time I get errands done, that my mind is mush and I put off writing for another day. Sometimes it gets put off a whole week and that stresses me out because I will probably outlive my husband and I’ll need any additional income I can get from books.
But as far as fatigue is concerned, I’m so much better than I was ten years ago.
I burned out back then due to a year of sleep deprivation, decades in high-stress deadline-driven positions, and, of course, PTSD. It didn’t help that my meds stopped being effective about that time. It got so I couldn’t work anymore. All I was capable of was getting out of bed in the morning, moving over to the couch and turning on the TV. I’d force myself to take a shower in the late afternoon because Jack, the man I’d eventually marry, would come by at six. Luckily, he was retired and happy to bring food or anything else I needed.
I am so grateful not to be burned-out anymore.
I’m so grateful not to see horrific apparitions in the night like I did back then.
I’m so happy to have made it through the despair and the Dark Night of the Soul that followed on the heels of the burnout.
I am beyond grateful that the debilitating pain I experienced after going off my PTSD meds three years ago is gone. (The only pain I get now is IBS-related.)
And I am so very glad I don’t feel the tremendous, absolutely exhausting sadness and grief that emerged after I got off the meds. I cried every single day for two years. If I didn’t, the fatigue of keeping it down was crushing.
Almost every day now, I have enough energy and physical wellbeing to do what I need to do.
It’s just that I do most of it tired.
I came upon the blog of a guy named Kevin Kruse who quit his job and posted over the course of a year as to his progress towards his goal of making $100,000 from writing books (and related activities like speaking engagements).
He wrote a book called 15 Secrets Successful People Know About Time Management. “Successful people” schedule their time according to what is most important to them. They make what is most important a priority.
If writing is my priority (I’m trying to finish a trilogy), I need to schedule it early in the day when my mind is clearer and I have more energy.
Here are Basie’s children pushing up straight and tall, ready to take on the world!
They love to bask in the sun. They laugh like crazy when I spray water on them. They are very interested in everything that goes on around them. They love when I cook beef or chicken broth because our little galley kitchen gets steamy. They told me it makes them feel like they’re back in The Rainforest.
I said, “What do you mean you feel like you’re back in The Rainforest? You were itty bitty seeds in a packet three weeks ago.”
They said, “Because we were just born, we still remember our last incarnations.”
I said, “Did you guys know me in a previous incarnation?”
They looked at each other and then back at me and made like they were zipping their mouths shut and throwing away the key!
But they couldn’t keep it up. Pretty soon they were laughing again about who knows what.
I tell you, they are the happiest seedlings I’ve ever met.